What is AIDS?

Mel was thankful that I did not have HIV. But he hated that I could not know what he was feeling. It made him feel very alone in his battle. He explained that because I was free from HIV that I would never really understand why he did the things he did. He gave me the following essay that was printed in a newsletter. He said it describes AIDS the way he would describe it.

What is AIDS?

What is AIDS?

It is a whimper, and a scream.

It is being in your center,
and being so far from your center that you don't know if you'll ever find your way back.

It is relentless.
It is daunting,
a great mountain which you must climb.

It is sweating, bleeding, puking, shitting in ways you never have before.
It is pain you never imagined.

It is fear you never dreamed.
It is grief you never guessed.
It is the frenzy of the medicine.
It is too many visits to the outpatient clinic,
the two days in the hospital for tests,
the weeks for treatments.

It is the doctor's kindness,
the nurse's caring,
the phlebotomist's apology.

It is the manic need to make your mark,
to leave worthwhile traces of yourself behind.

It is shattering denial every time the symptoms of another infection begin to mount.

It is the loneliness, like the whistle of a train passing in the dark night of your soul.

It is caring for your friends in a way you never have before.
Intimate ways,
horrible ways,
ways that take more of your love than you knew you had.

It is being there when the coma comes,
and it is begging in your heart for some little piece of mercy.

It is going to the church, or the park or the beach to say
"Farewell and Godspeed, beloved one."

It is waking up wet,
so wet,
wetter than you were at birth.
It is having your skull split by its swollen lining.

It is anger: weird, quirky anger that knocks you off your pins
and makes you doubt your own judgments.

It is being disoriented by the force of the great emotional wind which is constantly blowing within you.

It is the fighting back.
It is the building of places to care for the living and for the dying.
It is courage,
it is honor,
it is integrity.

It is people joining forces in a time of great need.
It is hope.
It is sharing the burden.

It is people caring for their own and finding love.
It is surviving and believing in the future even when we are hurting more than we have ever hurt before.

It is bearing the unbearable,
enduring the unendurable,
and hoping in the face of hopelessness.

It is the haunted look in your lover's eye when a new crisis begins.
It is mourning together.
It is mourning alone.
It is holding him in your arms and in your heart.
It is crying because your heart is breaking over leaving him behind.

It is the sweet pain of knowing that you are dying,
and the overwhelming sadness for those who will kiss you into their dreams.

It is a wall.
It is a howl.
It is beyond our grasp.

It is awful.
It is awesome.
It is AIDS.